So... I have far too much to do to be writing raps, but I wrote one anyway.
It's not really about one mizzie in particular - instead it's a sort of summary of the musical. Mostly meant to be funny with the occasional serious note, because I can't make fun of them all dying...
And I present -
Here is a story of a convict on the run
called Jean Valjean or 24601
Jail in Toulon, he spent 19 years there
and got on the nerves of Inspector Javert.
Once he was free, he changed his name
became the mayor of the town, m'sieur Madeleine.
He then let the foreman fire Fantine -
she joined some whores (rated PG-13).
So Valjean saved some guy stuck under a cart
And stumbled on Snookums - whoops, back on the charts.
THEN he saved Champmathieu, who was wrongly accused,
and ran, leaving Inspector J rather confused.
'Take my child', said Fantine, as she was dying,
'Ill do that, too!' said he, 'Or I'll die trying!"
Then Javert ran in, yelling 'I've caught you now!'
But Valjean knocked him out, and all he said was 'ow'.
Meanwhile, poor Cosette was sweeping the floors
'cause the lazy inkeepers made her do their chores.
Said Valjean, 'Come, Cosette, let's find a new home.'
Cried Thenardier, 'NO! Pay me all that you own!'
So Jean Valjean did (don't ask me why)
And the two went to Paris and ten years went by.
A gamin, Gavroche (who IS kind of adorable)
Showed off his world, in a condition deplorable.
He then pointed out his sister Éponine
They're Thenardier's kids if you hadn't seen.
And said inkeeper's gang, who are violent and quick,
then Enj and Marius, planning a Republic.
Marius saw Cosette - it was love at first sight
to 'Ponine's despair - she loved him with all her might.
Then in came Javert, and he saw Valjean -
and all in all, there was too much going on!
Marius begged Éponine to find his Cosette,
which she did, as Javert swore he'd capture Jean yet!
To love or rebel - Marius couldn't choose
and it was then that Gavroche brought the news.
'Lamarque is dead! Time to hear people sing!'
Marius fled to Cosette - singing wasn't his thing.
Éponine saved the two from 'Death By Creepy Gang',
Then all of them all got together and sang.
After intermission, there was a barricade
built by the Amis, who weren't afraid. *
Marius sent 'Ponine with love letters for 'Sette
(No wonder so many people call him bete!) **
Javert had an idea, and put on a disguise
and joined the Amis to act as a spy.
Then Gavvie yelled, 'Hey, wait! I know that man!'
'It's Inspector Javert!' And he was tied to a van. ***
Meanwhile 'Ponine, with mail to deliver,
gave it to Valjean, whose heart went aquiver.
'So Cosette's in love with this barricade boy?
I'd better go save him, if it brings her joy.'
Back at the barricade, 'Ponine was shot and killed -
but died in Marius' arms, her last wish fulfilled.
Jean arrived soon after and to his surprise
he saw the Inspector, fighting his ties.
So the con said, 'I'll kill him, let me do the deed.'
Imagine J's shock when instead he was freed!
So Snookums ran off, confused and quite shocked
(for he was the LAWR, and the LAWR is not mocked.)
Valjean went back to the Amis, said it was done,
and they all spent the night, awaiting the sun.
Marius missed Cosette, Grantaire feared his death,
And Valjean prayed for Marius with great control of breath.
But when the day came, the Amis were alone -
And it was clear that their deaths would be known.
Gavroche, seeing this, ran into the fire,
taking dead soldiers' ammo, never seeming to tire
and though his deed bought them a chance
the bullets ended his last dance.
The Amis, too, sang their last song
and bid goodbye to their last dawn.
All but Marius - he'd been hurt (gravely)
and Valjean pulled him into the sewers (bravely).
There was Thenardier, robbing the dead,
but more importantly, Javert! Dead ahead.
Javert unexpectedly let Valjean past
And poor wounded Marius reached safety at last.
But Snookums went crazy - especially when
he threw himself off a bridge, into the Seine.
Marius and Cosette were married (hooray!)
Though the Thenardiers popped in to say,
'Haha, we're rich, we survive in the end!'
Bu Marius had his own surprise to send.
He kicked them out. Then when the two went back,
They found Jean Valjean, who was dying, alack!
So Fantine came to guide him, with Éponine, too,
and then everyone came back to life (as ghosts. Boo.)
So that is our story, three hours of song
condensed into this. Hope it didn't take long
And all I can think of to say now is... yeah.
*Except Grantaire, but if we're going Brick-accurate, he was asleep at the time anyway.
**Kidding! I actually think he's kind of cute.
***Blatant anachronism there. Call it poetic license... or the fact that it wouldn't rhyme for me so I had to drag in the big guns of time warp.